ifbychanceyouunderstand

u took my breath away,

and so did the view.

drawn to both by some mystical trance i could not resist.

only one remained constant.

only one offered peace at the end of the day.

only one allowed me to be me.

i forgive u, now.

how could i have expected u to be the view?

it was never good enough,

but the best i could do.

not perfect, intended only for one purpose.

for you.

a kernel of ok would have meant so much.

just enough to keep me going when i felt so tired

of never being good enough.

for you.

everyday

every single day

i think about you.

a flashback of us

that leads to more snapshots

and then memories

and then feelings i want to let go of

so that everyday, every single day is not a reminder of you.

the last box has now been opened.

all of me i brought, to you.

i don’t want to know what you were thinking when you packed me away,

the love gifts returned.

i ached to find us somewhere in there, but there was nothing.

only me returned to me.  no us.

nothing.  you are gone.

so, here’s the deal.

it doesn’t happen overnight.

in fact, it may not happen for a very long time,

but it will happen.  sometime.

that has to be good enough for right now.

just get up, put one foot on the floor and then the other.

it’s a step forward and that’s the most we can hope for today.

i’ve got a case of the wiggles

the giggles, and wonder of life.

i feel silly and foolish, and incredibly alive.

no fever or rash, 100% sure

i won’t call the doctor

for this is the cure.

woo me if you will, but you should know

i am walled off from love gone wrong.

unable to return to the middle.

that space where i am i and you are you

wide open with love for each other.

love me if you will, but you should know

i am difficult.

i feel too old to compromise.

i like what i like and don’t want to change, for anyone.

if you understand and allow me space i may not run away.

but you should know i might.

i looked outside of my bubble

and saw someone other than the you i know.

frightened, weak and struggling to breathe

i touched your shoulder and said it would be ok.

forgetting the memories, without the anger.

i was able to be in the moment, your moment

and be the loving soul i am to everyone but you.

here it comes.

i allow it to be.

tears steam down my cheeks, and

my heart explodes.

i feel confused.

i feel angry and betrayed.

i feel so sad.

distraction may push it aside,

but will not take it away.

i catch my breath.

wipe my eyes,

and let it go.